


Always in my heart: The aftermath

by Tattoolwt



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Angst, Love Confessions, M/M, One Shot, Pining, Sad Ending
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2020-05-21
Updated: 2020-05-21
Packaged: 2021-03-02 18:29:00
Rating: Not Rated
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,083
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/24311329
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Tattoolwt/pseuds/Tattoolwt
Summary: "Did you mean it?""Mean what?""That- that I'm always in your heart?"//Or an angsty and a little fluffy Larry one shot that I made out of a random prompt that I found.
Relationships: Harry Styles/Louis Tomlinson
Comments: 3
Kudos: 35





	Always in my heart: The aftermath

**Author's Note:**

> This was a one shot that I wrote back in 2018, I have definitely improved since, but it's still an okay work so I'll post it here too. All my works can also be found on Wattpad under the same username as on here xx

Louis sat staring at his phone, the light from the screen illuminating his sunken in features as he takes another drag of the cigarette between his middle and index finger.

He sighed, shaking off the ash from the tip of the burning cig as he scrolled through Twitter with his thumb. The screen was glaring back at him, taunting him, as if it was trying to make him say it out loud.

Always in my heart @ Harry_Styles . Yours sincerely, Louis.

It had just become the second most retweeted tweet in the world, short after Ellen Degeneres's Oscars tweet.

Louis didn't know what to say, how to feel, or what he should do for that matter. When he wrote that very tweet all those years ago, he had recently asked Harry to be his boyfriend, to which he had said yes. Those where the olden days, the good days.

Louis locked his phone and discarded it behind him somewhere, not knowing nor caring where it was as he continued to stare out the open window at the star strewn sky above him. With a pang of emotion he remembered all those nights when he and Harry would sit on a rooftop and gaze at those very stars that were above him now. How they had shared their first kiss under those stars, had their first real date outside the X-factor house under those stars, how...

How he and Harry had lost their virginities to one another under those stars. He shook his head, trying to rid himself of those thoughts. Remembering how Harry had smiled nervously at him, asking every five seconds if he was okay, and how he had looked all dazed out afterwords were like daggers to his poor, weak heart.

Louis closed his eyes for a moment, letting the cool air of the night calm him down, ground him. The distant sound of the traffic worked as a distraction to all the thoughts swimming in his mind, taunting him, trying again and again to drown him in their depths.

He was drowning and this time, there was no one around to pull him up for air. His lifeline had disappeared, leaving him broken, leaving him to try and float on his own.

He and Harry had broken up two years ago, but that didn't mean that it didn't hurt still. It was a mutual decision, and kind as he is, Harry had taken the step and ended the relationship for both of their sakes. Harry had been his first love, his only love. He had been Louis's since he was sixteen, he knew that Harry had loved him from the moment they were put in that band, and he had loved him just the same.

Louis felt to his horror how his eyes were tearing up. He closed his eyes tightly, not wanting to see how the view of the city below became blurred with unshed tears, that had yet to break free and travel down his cheeks, dusted with stubble that he couldn't be bothered to shave off.

He didn't know why, but the notifications that the tweet had now become the second most retweeted ever, really got to him. It made memories of his baby surface, his Harry.

But the problem was, Harry wasn't his anymore, that thought stung quite a lot, too. Now, he wasn't mad with Harry for breaking up with him, far from. Harry couldn't handle the trouble of always hiding, always pretending to date several different girls a year, couldn't handle being called 'The Womanizer' of the group, when the only girls he'd ever kissed was from when he was still in school. Louis understood that, it was hard on him too.

They had hardly talked since then, both hurting too much when they met the other's eyes. Green and blue were no longer a harmony, but a storm. When the band had gone on a hiatus a year later, both of them went separate ways, doing their own thing.

A small, yet sad smile tugged at the corners of Louis's mouth as he remembered how they broke the news and every article went along the lines of 'The huge happening and chaos that followed the announcement of One Direction's hiatus.'

When Harry's album had come out earlier that year, Louis had listened to it on a constant loop. All those sleepless nights he'd spent in bead listening to Two ghosts, how he'd laid there, reminiscing all of their late night escapades and how they fell in love about as fast as they stumbled into the A-list life. Then his stupid phone, set on shuffle, would follow that song that spread warmth and love in his heart, with the one that made his stomach churn and soul ache.

Just let me know I'll be at the door, at the door, hoping you'll come around.  
Just let me know I'll be on the floor, on the floor, maybe we'll work it out.

Louis didn't need to ask, he knew Harry had written that about them, about him.

I gotta get better, gotta get better,  
I gotta get better, gotta get better,  
Maybe we'll work this out.

It stung like a thousand stings from a bee every time those lines flowed out from his speakers. Harry had wanted so bad to try and save it, maybe they'd work it out...But they didn't. What also hurt like hell was Harry thinking that it was his fault. Louis still got frustrated at the thought, Harry didn't need to get better at all. Harry was perfect; he was sunshine, he was a cool breeze on a too hot summers day. He was like a crackling fire on a cold winter night, like the sound of birds chirping flowing through an open window as the morning rays of sunshine filtered through the blinds.

It was me, Louis thought, stubbornly lightning yet another cigarette. He was the one needing to change, not Harry. But, it didn't matter now, hadn't for a long time.

As he took a long drag he let the smoke penetrate his chest from the inside, willed the wisps of light grey smoke as far down as he could, letting it out only when he was desperate for a fresh breath of air. Harry had always hated when he smoked. Said that it was destroying his lungs and shortening his life. Harry had always refused point blank to kiss him after he'd smoked, claiming it was for his asthma even though Louis knew that it was only the smoke itself that would harm Harry, not the smell on his skin afterwords.

But he didn't blame him, he knew it was bad. He knew that it would probably kill him someday, but the feeling of relief when he took that first drag was always purely euphoric. It was as the pain and anxiety was anchoring him down, until something cut the chains binding the weight to him, making him feel light. He knew he should stop, maybe he and Harry would still be together if he had. Probably not though, they had ridden on a rocky road for a long time before their final breakup.

Louis put out his cigarette and placed it on the ash tray, closing the window and therefore closing out the rumble of traffic. Mind no longer distracted, he stumbled over to the bed and flopped face down on it. The pillows smelled of fragrance free laundry detergent and expensive hotel. Louis found himself thinking that he'd rather if it had smelled like that ridiculously expensive perfume that Harry always wore.

Louis punched his pillow in frustration, wanting to scream. That tweet had stirred up so many memories and feelings that he did not want. The pain was borderline unbearable, piercing green eyes filling his mind as soon as he closed his eyes.

He was about to stretch his hand out and grasp the bottle of expensive whiskey on his nightstand, but stopping himself before his fingertips had even graced the crystal bottle. No, it would only make him feel worse, he told himself. It would numb the pain for now, but also doubling it when the alcohol wore off.

He turned so that he was lying on his back, starring up at the ceiling high above him. He vaguely wondered if harry was in a hotel room much like his right now, wondering were he could be. He was out on his world tour, Louis had secretly followed his every move. From all the eccentric suits, to the charming and witty talks with everything from dads, to pregnant women and gay fans in the audience. Harry was making millions of people smile and laugh, sing and dance. He was making the world a better place, and although it hurt, Louis knew that Harry could only do that without him in his life.

Then it happened, too fast for Louis to stop it. He sat up with a jolt as he felt the familiar feeling of his chest tightening, his throat closing up- he was heading head first into a panic attack.

Panting, he tried to remember everything that Harry had taught him. Asthma attacks being similar to panic attacks in the physical symptoms, Harry knew what to do. Louis went over the list in his head.

One, straighten up to free airways as much as possible. Two, close your eyes and focus on the breathing only. Three, take control over you breathing, don't let the panic overrule you and make you scared. Four, breathe while tracing a square in the air in front of you. Breathe in, trace the bottom and right side, breathe out, trace the top and left side.

Louis did everything, release flooding his senses when he felt the panic ebb away as he traced the square for the seventh time. He kept going until he felt calm once again, left with an ache in his chest and a pounding in his head. He flopped back down into the mountain of pillows again, groaning when he heard the buzzing from his phone that lay abandoned by the foot of the bed where it had landed when he flung it behind him before.

Louis knew that he'd turned off his WiFi and mobile data, so he knew that someone had to be calling him. It was tempting to just not answer and ignore it until it went silent. But on the other hand, it could be his mom calling to check in on him, or one of his sisters, calling for life advice from their trusted, and as they saw it, untroubled older brother.

With a tremendous effort, Louis sat up once again and reached for the phone, only to drop it again when he saw the name flashing across his screen.

Harry Styles is calling...

[accept] [decline]

[accept]

~~~

Harry had lost count of which number it was as he downed another shot, waving away his band's suggests to maybe stop.

He had gotten off the stage earlier that night, high on adrenaline from the volume of the crowd and atmosphere of the room, feeling on cloud nine as he retreated to his dressing room to gather his things. He had put on his phone, only to be bombarded with notifications.

Louis Tomlinson's "Always in my heart" tweet becomes the second most retweeted in the world.

He had dropped his phone in shock, quickly picking it up again, the smack of the screen hitting the wooden floor ripping him from his state. Second most- what? Harry felt a lot of things all at once, mostly confusion, but also sadness, and for some reason, anger. He had shoved his phone back into the pocket of his pants, striding out of his dressing room and into the waiting car without a word to anyone. 

That had led him to where he was now, cramped into some dark booth in some dark club in some random country. The truth of it all was that Harry didn't care, he really didn't. All he could think about was Louis, Louis, Louis. 

Yes, he had ended it, so yes he should not be the one pining this much. But it was just... That tweet had meant so much to him back then, and it still did. He still remembered how Louis had been all shaky and nervous, although trying to act tough and confident and Harry had pretended not to notice. Louis had given him his promise to always be there to protect him and to love him, to always be there when life got hard. Louis had asked Harry to be his boyfriend. But the thing is, he wasn't there anymore, wasn't his anymore. 

Harry closed his eyes as he downed yet another tequila shot, face scrunching up as he took a bite out of the lime wedge that came with it. It was numbing his feelings, for now, and that was all he could ask for. He ignored them when band members and friends tried to ask him what was wrong, no one had ever seen him like this, besides Louis. 

Back in the day, when all news outlets wrote articles of 'Eighteen year old pop star, Harry Styles: The womanizer' he had broken down, too overcome with feelings to know what to do with himself. He wanted to scream and shout at the world, tell them it was all a trick, tell them that he had a boyfriend that he loved very much and that he would never look in another's direction when he had his golden boy beside him. Louis had been there then, had hugged him tightly to calm him down. He had laid in bed with him, watching cheesy rom-coms and carded his soft hands through Harry's curls until he fell asleep, whispering sweet nothings in his ear and drying his tears away with his shirtsleeve. 

He wanted Louis, needed Louis. But he couldn't have him. He knew, as did Louis, that their relationship was toxic for both of them. No matter how badly they wanted it to work out, it wouldn't. Maybe, when they were gray and old, someday. But not now, not in a long while. Their lifestyle didn't allow it, and the spark that had once been there had dulled, the flourishing paradise that they were once in had withered to dust. 

Harry stood up from the boot, stomach churning at the sudden movement. He felt that unpleasant feeling creeping up on him, felt the need to succumb to it. 

"Tired, good show today. I will go to the hotel, night guys." He got out, voice hoarse and slurred. Then he steered his step towards the exit, to the car that waited there to take him to a warm bed. 

Once at the hotel, and after a few jabs to the door with the key card, Harry stumbled into his hotel suite and flopped down on the bed, still in his concert clothes. He didn't really know how intoxicated he was. He didn't have to puke, he thought but wasn't quite sure. His stomach was still churning and he still felt as if he was floating. 

Before he knew what he was doing, he got his phone out from his pocket, unlocking it and dialing the number that he had wanted to dial all night since he saw that old tweet. 

A few tones went by without an answer, Harry was just about to hang up when- 

"Harry?" 

Harry could cry, how he had missed that voice. That soft, kind voice that sounded just like silk felt. 

"Lou," He croaked out, clutching the phone close to his ear as if it would bring him psychically closer to Louis. 

"Lou I- Missed your voice." Harry faintly noticed how he sounded slurry, he just hoped that Louis would understand. 

"Harry have you been drinking?" Harry wanted to cry at the pure concern in Louis's voice. He still cared. 

"A little bit," Harry mumbled, finding himself a little ashamed. 

"Where are you, Haz?" Louis asked, sitting up from where he had been previously laid down, prepared to fly across the globe to help Harry if he needed it. 

Harry preened at the nickname. "I dunno, Stockholm, I think."

Louis let out a breath of laughter. "I didn't mean what city, love. I meant, are you in your hotel room or somewhere else?" 

"Oh, yeah I'm in my room." Harry swallowed as he felt bile in his throat, threatening to come up.

"That's good, Harry." Louis let out a breath of relief, at least the boy was safe. 

Just then, the memory of why he had called Louis, resurfaced in his mind. 

"Lou?" Harry's voice was shaking now, his eyes were watering up and that lump in his throat was making a comeback. Te was going to faint, that's how nervous he was. 

"Yes, Harry?" Louis suppressed a yawn. It was getting late and he just wanted to sleep, but he would always stay up for Harry. 

"Did you mean it?"

Louis furrowed his brows, thoroughly confused. "Mean what?"

"That- that I'm always in your heart?"

Harry felt the tears now, they felt hot against his cooled skin as they traveled down his cheeks. 

Louis was quiet, lost for words to say. He didn't know how to console the boy when he was hurting just as bad. It was quiet on both sides of the call, the only thing both of them could hear was the sound of the other breathing. 

The silence spread on for what felt like hours, but probably wasn't more than a minute or two. 

"Of course I did, Haz." Louis finally said. His voice was nothing more than a soft whisper, but Harry had heard him. 

"Good," he whispered back. He closed his eyes as relief flooded his senses and the tenseness seeped out from his muscles. "You're always going to be in my heart, too you know."

Louis smiled, feeling his ears tear up once again. He could tell that Harry was crying too. 

"Lou?" Harry said after a while of silence. 

"Hm?" Louis hummed in response. 

"Can you sing something, please?" 

And how could Louis say no when he sounded so sweet and pure. "Sure love, are you laying down?"

Harry nodded, but answering with a 'yes' when he realized that Louis couldn't see him.

"You're still wearing your concert clothes, aren't you?" Louis teased. 

"Maybe," Harry squirmed slightly where he lay on the bed. 

"Well then, change into your sleepwear and climb under the covers, I'll wait." Louis stretched on the bed, turning on his side with his phone resting between his ear and the mattress. 

There were a bit of rustling on the other end, then Harry was back. Now clad in only boxersand under the white duvet. 

"Can't we facetime instead? Wanna see you." Harry pouted. 

Louis rolled his eyes fondly at the question. "Fine, I'll call you up, hold on." Then he removed his phone from his ear, clicking the FaceTime button and waiting for it to connect. 

When it finally did, Harry's s face came into view on his screen. The first thought that struck Louis was how tired he looked. He had bags under his eyes and faint stress lines on his face, a permanent frown seemed to adorn his plump lips. Louis found himself starring at those lips, a sudden urge to really kiss the boy surged though him like an electric charge. 

"Lou?" Harry rasped out, having sobered up pretty well since he'd called Louis. He still had tear tracks on his cheeks, but the previous steady flow of tears had subsided. 

"Hm?" Harry's voice had grabbed Louis and flung him out of his thoughts. 

"You're staring," Harry whispered back, a small smile now gracing his pink lips. 

"Sorry," Louis mumbled, shaking his head to rid himself of his thoughts. "Been a while since I've seen you." 

"Yeah, sorry 'bout that." Harry looked away from his screen, not wanting to meet his gaze. 

"Harry you have nothing to apologize for," Louis said warmly. 

Harry nodded, but didn't answer.

"Want me to sing to you now?" Louis asked, trying to get Harry to talk again. 

"I'd like that." Harry finally looked up, his eyes glistening with tears once again. 

Louis looked at him for a moment, feeling for the boy in another country who was so clearly hurting, and Louis could not help him since it was Louis who was causing all his pain. He tried to not think about it as he cleared his throat. 

"Okay, Haz. Be patient with me, haven't really sung in a while." He tried to lighten the mood a little. 

"You always sound beautiful, have nothing to worry about." Harry had closed his eyes, obviously very tired and ready for sleep. 

"Okay, here goes." Louis cleared his throat once again and turned out the lights in his room so that Harry's screen wouldn't be so light, and he started to sing. 

"I got a boy crush, hate to admit it but, I got a heart rush, ain't slowing down. I got it real bad,  
want everything she has, that smile and that midnight laugh, she's giving you now."

Harry smiled when he noticed what song Louis was singing, he had made a Spotify single of that song not too long ago. The lyric change made Harry's heart melt a little. He continued to listen as Louis's voice flowed like honey.

"I want to taste his lips, yeah, 'cause they taste like you. I want to drown myself, in a bottle of his expensive-ass-Armani-cologne." 

Harry snorted, peering one eye open to look at the beautiful human on the other end of the FaceTime call. Louis smiled back as he went into the chorus. 

"I want his curly hair, I want his magic touch. Yeah, 'cause maybe then, you'd want me just as much. I got a boy crush." 

"You know that's about, like, jealousy wanting someone else's partner, right?" Harry said when Louis stopped.

"I do, but it was the first song that came to mind. You did so good when you recorded that." Louis said endearingly. 

"Thanks, 'm proud of that one." Harry yawned, closing his eyes again. 

"Go to sleep, love. You have another show tomorrow night, don't you?" 

"Mhm," Harry hummed, snuggling further down into his mattress as he opened his eyes yet again, fighting to stay awake. "Too bad you're not here to sleep with me, though." 

Louis was not sure he'd heard right at first. "Haz, you're drunk." He said.

"Am not," Harry slurred just a little, proving Louis's point. "Kay maybe a little, but that doesn't matter Lou, I still miss you." 

"I-" Louis swallowed the lump in his throat with difficulty. All the reasons of why they would never work resurfacing in his mind's eye. "I miss you too, Harry. But we are not good for each other, you know that." 

"I know Lou, but please. Let's try again? We can maybe fix this." Harry pleaded. 

Louis was full on crying now, this next sentence would really hurt. 

"I'm sorry Harry, I... I can't." Louis got out, closing his eyes tight, heart clenching when he heard the fain, involuntary sound that Harry had let slip, like a small wounded animal. 

Harry's room was far too dark for Louis to see Harry's reaction, but he heard the poor boy sniffing.

"You will always be with me in my heart and soul Harry, but you deserve someone better. You deserve to have an open relationship, where you don't have to hide. You deserve to be able to hold hands in public and go on dates. I can't give you that baby, I am so sorry." 

He heard Harry shift on his side of the call. 

"I understand, Lou. I will always love you, won't ever stop." Harry whispered, his voice shook with held in sobs. "Goodnight, Lou." 

And with that Harry ended the call, making Louis stare at a blank screen in shock. Then anger and frustration overtook him as he flung his phone as hard as he could right into the opposite wall, finding comfort in the sound of it cracking. 

He had really fucked up, really bad. Harry was his first love, and he would remain his last love forever. No one could make Louis feel like Harry could.

"I love you, too." He whispered out into the dark and quiet hotel room where he remained, alone.


End file.
